if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
