I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
