Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
