I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
