never play flip cup with pint glasses
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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