Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
