and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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