is your mom at the bar?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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