I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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