I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
