Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
