the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
