her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
