We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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