happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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