Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
