I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
