Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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