he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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