Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
