I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
