Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
