And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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