Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
