I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
