He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
