You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
