What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
