I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Drunk is not a location!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
