just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
