I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
