I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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