Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
