I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
