I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
