hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
