Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
