So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
