Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
