sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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