We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
