Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
