I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
