I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
