Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
