I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
