There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
