bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
