my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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