Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
