That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
